You, Joanne Choong

It's like 2.05 am in the morning and instead of juz telling myself to go sleep. I'm now troubling myself to pull out my thoughts for this blog.

Mum juz switched off the air con not long ago as the clock striked 2 am. =X I guess, i kinda wished it was 1 still, so that at least i can type happily for awhile.

Far too many things happened since January, which is like 'it's obvious' that so many things happen each day and since so long i never wrote, of couse so many things happen la! So i decide to blow away the dust on this book cover and fill something in.

Suddenly u 2 Jx & Yanling been asking, u haven't been blogging? Maybe time to ask u 2 to review alittle bit of my life? hahax.

I kinda forgot how it was like for you to leave me, but it seems like it's coming back again. I never could forget the amount of tears i always spent on 07 Jul 2009. Back in yr 07, i cried on the very day you didn't agree. The next year, 08 i cried when you mentioned ' break up'. & this year 09? I told myself it's not going to be the same again.

The reason why the days were horribly passing was that you were trying to leave me, probably for the better of me. Maybe.. instead of probably. I didn't understand..
but whether you left or don't, i really don't know.

I only know, i'm letting you go this july, on that very day. I feel like crying at this point of time, it's difficult. It's juz like telling urself, you're gonna end your relationship at a specific time. I never liked that.. it's juz like signing a contract, but a relationship to me has never been contract based.

I always told myself, in this life, i will love only 1 person. Though i'm nice to my friends, but there's always this gal that i will pamper greatly and with all I have. Kat, Zenia and now you. U say u don't care, but well you do also when she talks to me. Luckily, she doesn't meet me or gets into our life.

Probably, I tink that all this running and hiding from your mummy, your sense of securityness and missing me, will be erased with my dissolve of my position as your bf. Whether you can replace the fact that i'm gone or not, i dunno. I know i've been telling you things that hurt, like take care of him (after me). It hurts to say those things out of my mouth too. Even though i sounded serious, it's hard for me to say it too. I never really would mean them if i had a chance...
if i had a chance...

I respect the decision that you make to keep it from your mummy and your several attempts to make it fulfill what would seem okay to your family, like eating nicely and manners, etc. Alot of ppl would also be saying why not confront your mummy/grandma and all that, blah blah blah. I love you, but at the same time, i won't wanna force u. All these while, u've been fighting between your mummy and me.

When your mummy scolds u, you get out of the house n seek shelter under my warmth. When we quarrel, mummy is the best and you're back to her. I seem to envy you, when either side have problems, you run to the other. Aren't you lucky that both of us exist?

I juz feel like crying now. I know, doesn't mean that when i'm gone, u can't run to me if there's any problem at home. =X I'm always there.. as i say. So, i'm juz drawing a line between myself and you, trying to make it such that you are really juz a friend, but the fact that u need me or not, i cannot confirm.

Neither do i tink of anything yet.

It'll clash with the future her, i know.. i'm sure my gf will understand it. If not, we'll see how then. Though i foresee u clashing with her, i really donno what to say.

This is such a emo entries with no facts or etc.

Hais..

Saw my cuzzie's wedding today, almost cried when it came to the photographs review. My cuzzie is getting married, i feel happy for her, at the same time, for you, my love.. it's juz like a happy n sad emotion flowing in me. But, the more on sadness..a saturday juz passed liddat..

& tuesday.. sang k box with you. You cried at the 2nd song, Lu. U obviously thought that i brought u to K box to emo you. It wasn't... u cried till so jia lat. I really thot we couldn't sing anymore, but in the end you sorta hide ur tears. But you muz know, songs that i like are special.. which most of them makes u feel so teary..

I muz admit, Feng & An Jing did almost make me teared.. Sometimes, i also don't know what am i doing..

As usual, i gotta learn to be myself again.

Vammie