Sometimes, I feel like a total fool.
Ms J was there on NCO POP last friday, felt her existence. Or maybe I was convinced I was not going to meet her. Somehow, fate has that funny way to separate things. Was it better that way?
Yet why was I feeling so uptight after Sean mentioned, "She was there with Shimin and Juaniter" didn't hear the rest. "Juaniter", I bet I saw him while waiting for the Guo Qian. That flashback of his name and hers stirred my heart and the next minute, those strings of pain are pulling the poor heart. Can't get her out of my mind after that. What was I tinking?
The separated line already was drawn by her.
Her absence was already clear.
I have lost her completely and forever.
Yet, the whole system is juz reacting to her for no apparent reason.
I drew myself to the fact that I was in the category of "loved, not returned". People who have sacrificed for love, do not get accepted back and probably returned with pain and suffering. It seems like there's no way to alleviate that except to stop the fool in their illusions. Something that has no more value in and any more.
I thought of another group, when I associated myself with the above, it's the "victims". When some1 goes mad and hurt some1, persons who are being hurt end up in that category. It is random and somehow, probably, these 2 groups are the most helpless?
Considered Society failure (just like Market Failure).
Being crappy as usual, I was getting rid of chatlogs history yesterday. Wanted to keep, but then to think about it again, there's no turning back. She's not returning. The chance of me waiting is 0.0%. I would want to wait, but it's just too late. She has already given the answer.
How am I to face you in future?
I supposed to have reached this stage long ago about forgetting her and how to go about from here on. Yet. I should just.. " Let's forget this whole thing".
Want to rip out those parts of the memories that ached so much, yet so dear.
Totally hate this feeling of being lost in my memories.
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