Lovely Trap

I juz random ed out this name.

Wanted to blog on friday or saturday i tink, but it appears blogger was down or something. I wanted to give myself till 11 to blog, but it's already 11.03 while i sat on the chair at 10.45pm.

Yesterday.. went Shirley house for mahjonging till 10+, from 12+ eat lunch then 2+ start. Stopped at about 7+ to prepare for dinner. In the meantime, I sorta quarrelled with her again. Yahs, I'm childish and refuse to let go etc.. the thing is I'm trying to find out what's wrong..

You seemed to give different explaination each time and goes the " wanna break jiu break lo" type. =X
I never believed you are like that..on top of that, I already told you but hais. Not only that, you seem to have frequent times where by you just wish to stop this thing going between you and me. It's juz like you always wanted company only.. now that you have.. I'm juz like a thrown away doll..

On the face of it, you probably won't realise, but when i prove to you and show you.. you just don't believe it. Haven't your loneliness always tell you, if there was a chance between a lover and friends who company you, you will have those friends instead?

I juz wish to say finsh and let it go, so here it goes: As you and your juniors grow, probably you'll juz depend on them. Yet when they separate from you after graduation, you are like obliged to make new friends. Even so, friends to you are possessive. I remember you asking me," why u do this for them(FuCK)?" Becoz we're friends, we help each other in times of sorrow and share our joy in times in happiness. For you.. I really dunno.

It is neither up to my concern now either. From the conversation that day, I finally think that I gave up on you. By any chance, I probably just wasting time clearing the air with you. It might just have been more useful for me to just believe you're "dead" or some girl out there to scream straight into my face, "VAMMIE SHE'S GONE!"
I'll start crying so badly then I know and everyone will probably look at me, but just pull me out of the situation and I guess I'll be fine crying somewhere else.

It's not very nice..I guess I like kamakazi myself with the sword.. severing everything that i held so dear. I told myself " Memories containing text, pictorial, any info, etc about "Joanne Choong Jiaci" COMPLETE DELETE. I know I don't have to archive, becoz my internal memory will prick me. She doesn't have to be remembered for anything, I just know.. So, the process is being done in the meantime..

I decided to change my master hand to my left also, if it is possible. I do not wish to be known for my right hand now or I meant, to be known as a right handed. In any case, something like a challenge I set for myself.

There are somethings which I am unable to get through still. It's already 11.25 but let me just finish up and I'll sleep. Somethings i cannot let go such as singlehood. I'm really not used to it.

Watched GI Joe last week, commented about the love story behind it, is sweet. Today.. UP. I cried when the part Mr Fedrickson was reading the " My adventure Book" of his wife, Elle. He never turned the pages passed " Things I want to do" because Elle told him when they were children that she'll write only after their house is at Paradise Falls. At the point of time, Mr Fedrickson was already at Paradise Falls in the house. So he discovered that, there was something behind the main page of " Things I want to do" and there was his wedding picture with her. I could not felt the tears outbursting in me. I held them because I was sitting next to Fuqi and I didn't like crying infront of friends, even though is close friends. As Mr Fedrickson flipped the pages, shows the times they spent together, shifting house, reading books, having a pinic and the things they do together till they were old even. I could not help but cry out silently.. my tears just dropped out my eyes. =( I felt so warm hearted (wen xin). It's really so sweet.. so sweet that probably it's something many people overestimate such things. Just like spending time together, many couples don't do so.. such as holding hands. They just don't really see the meaning in it.. I'm refering to you of course =( Tnough many of us would say, it's fairytale liked because they spend time together.. but the fact is.. do we put time together to spend that much?

I felt more relieved after I cried. I really wished to borrow someone's shoulder and cry. Somehow I feel, I must be able to cry, that's more of the problem. Which, unfortunately is hard for a guy and even harder for me. =(

11.40 le.. I shall go sleep. Abit hungry, went for Dessert buffet today, I guess all the guys cannot take it juz purely eating desserts for dinner. Didn't have the mood for lunch.. somehow.. dunno lehs.

Da Vinci is really a genius. I'm not saying I didn't think he wasn't, but the things he did that I saw at the exhibition is AMAZING and AWESOME.

hais. I'm going to sleep.

Wan an.